Cliff Loesch September 16, 2007 Forgiving Ourselves 1 Timothy 1:12-17 In 1 Timothy chapter one, Paul says, "I am grateful to Christ Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me, because he judged me faithful and appointed me to his service, even though I was formerly a blasphemer, a persecutor, and a man of violence." It occurs to me that these are fairly serious problems that Paul had. To be a persecutor of others, and to call oneself a man of violence-these are not small admissions. And for someone involved in violence and persecution there are several paths that a person's life could take: some people get caught in a cycle of violence from which they are never able to break free (and sometimes they pass this tendency toward violence on to the next generation); some people are able to break free of the grip of violence-but they feel forever crippled by a sense of guilt for the pain and suffering that they once inflicted upon others; and still others are able not only to break free of the violence, but also to find total forgiveness so they can move forward through life with freedom and joy. I think Paul found this way of complete forgiveness. He talks about the mercy and grace of God and he testifies that the mercy of God overflowed for him. And as he goes on to tell about the way Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, he mentioned in passing that he, himself, is the foremost of sinners. And then he makes the point that if Christ can save him-the foremost of sinners-then, of course, Christ can save anybody. As I read this wonderful report of Paul's transformation the contrast really stood out to me. To have been a man of violence and a persecutor of others-I want to mention that sometimes the things we've done in the past continue to bother us. When you recognize these things about yourself and face the pain and suffering you have inflicted upon others, sometimes there can be a lingering sense of guilt. We may recognize the incredible grace of God-that he forgives us and accepts us no matter what we've done. Yet somehow we cannot completely let go of our guilt. In other words, we can't really forgive ourselves. If you continue to carry a sense of guilt it can affect your life in many ways. And I wonder if Paul ever had that trouble? It does not appear so. But was he able to forgive himself easily? Or was it a struggle for him? I think for many people, forgiving themselves is difficult. But if God forgives us-what would be our reasoning, our rationale, for not entirely forgiving ourselves? I mean, if God is willing to not hold these things against us-and to wipe the slate clean-then why do we sometimes hang onto our guilt? Why won't we forgive ourselves? Søren Kierkegaard, the Danish philosopher from the early 1800s, once wrote about Jesus' words from Matthew 11, where he says, "Come hither unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Kierkegaard points out that sometimes there are obstacles to our coming to the Lord for rest. He said that "in reality, instead of getting a sight, as one might expect, of an interminable throng of such as labor and are heavy laden following the invitation, you behold in fact a sight which is exactly the opposite: an interminable throng of [people] who turn backward in flight and shudder, until in the scramble to get away they trample one another under foot; so that if from the result one were to infer what had been said, one must conclude that the words were 'Far away-be far away-ye profane,' rather than, 'Come hither.'" [Robert Bretall, ed. A Kierkegaard Anthology, Princeton University Press, 1973, p. 386] Then Kierkegaard goes into a lengthy discussion about Jesus' invitation-and he calls Jesus, "the Inviter." I really like that description for Jesus: The Inviter. We have been invited to lay down our heavy burdens. We have been invited to rest. And likewise we have been invited to enjoy God's total and complete forgiveness-which includes the laying aside of our own sense of guilt. We have been invited to rest in Christ. Several years ago, Bonnie Lukes wrote in Daily Guideposts that one day after she had just had an especially rewarding time in prayer, she set off in her car on an errand. Five minutes later-and she said she was embarrassed to report this-but she found herself yelling at another driver. She called him a name and then she was overwhelmed by her guilt over her contradictory behavior. Here she had just come from a blissful time spent in prayer to this outburst of anger toward a stranger. And she said, "Unfortunately, it happens again and again. And always I begin to doubt how God can even stand me, let alone love me." [Daily Guideposts, 5/29/1994] Bonnie Lukes' problem is common to most all of us. Our imperfections and sin are not totally in the past. Sometimes they pop up in the present. How can God forgive us-how can we forgive ourselves-when our imperfections seem to recur? In 1 Timothy Paul spoke of his sins in the past tense-he used to be a blasphemer, a persecutor and a man of violence. He said he was formerly these things but that he has now received grace and mercy from God. Nevertheless, when he talks about Christ's ability to save sinners, he switches back to the present tense to say that he is the foremost of sinners. Not past tense, but present. In verse 15 Paul says, "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners-of whom I am the foremost." Not "I was the foremost," but, "I am the foremost." I'm not exactly sure what to make of this except to say that perhaps Paul's experience was similar to ours: we're not perfect yet; we slip up from time to time (or often); and we perpetually need God's grace and mercy not just in our past, but today-and every moment. Going back to Bonnie Lukes and her road rage-as she thought about her chronic lapses she remembered how many times she used to mention certain things to her children again and again. For instance, asking them to pick up after themselves had once appeared hopeless. Yet she never gave up on them-in this matter or lots of others. And, she said, they gradually got a little better. Then she had the thought that God is a better parent than any of us are. God is not likely to give up on us. And she concluded with a quote by Eugenia Price from her book Just As I Am, where she wrote, "God does not send more love when we behave. He loves us just as we are." [Daily Guideposts, 5/29/1994] This wonderful little quote by Eugenia Price made me want to read more, and I found her book, Just As I Am, in our church library. The book is based on the old hymn. And when she gets to the line of the song that says, "Just as I am, thou wilt receive," she makes the point that God is ready to welcome us. She says, "The one who has help to give is the one who says, Come hither!" Once again we see Jesus as the Inviter. Eugenia Price makes the point that as we respond to this invitation what we find is a welcome. I want to share what she has to say about welcome. She says, "A welcome is a relieving thing. Much of the quiet suffering among us today is caused by not feeling welcome. Perhaps, if you live your life snugly within the sheltered margins of a safe home, within the safety of your selective social group, following one doctrinal line inside the set boundaries of your particular denomination, you do not realize how unwelcome many persons feel most of the time. But the unwelcome walk our streets and ride our transit systems and wait on us in stores and restaurants. If there were some way to create a universal human welcome, much of our heartache would end. Oh, but there is-the divine welcome is here, is everywhere, has always been. And it is set apart from any human welcome because it gladly invites us to come just as we are. This in itself is relief enough, but God never stops with just enough. He goes on. His welcome is universal, his pardon complete, his cleansing thorough, but the more is the deepest relief of all: It is God who calls." [Eugenia Price, Just As I Am, Philadelphia: J.B. Lippincott Company, 1968, 122-123] Completely forgiving ourselves is something that is not always easy to do-at least without help. But as we continue to consider the amazing grace of God and explore the depths of God's forgiveness and to realize the extent of God's welcome, how can we help but join with God and offer generous welcome and complete forgiveness to ourselves and to others? |